Good evening, True Believers,
Six years ago today I ended my second blog post with "something needs to be done about my blank page."
Six years ago, I was freshly 21, deep into my first job, married, fighting for my life through the worst circumstances I never could have imagined. On a whim, probably desperate for a small dose of nostalgia, or some tiny warmth from the comfort of penned memories, I re-read my first post that day and said "wow.. A lot has happened since then- I need to put it down somewhere before it's too late, or before the next milestone happens.."
The post had the first instance of a recurring theme that appeared in all the others that came next: reflections, amazement, wonder, fear and hope for the future and a quiet mourning of the past.
At 21, I would have never called myself a blank page. I was as established as I'd ever been, and I was so sure I had stopped growing. My routine was set, the most important times of my life were happening, my page was full.
I hardly remember a thing. Part of it is repression, but the rest of the memories have just floated down the river. Someone hurt me really bad when I was about 19. It was a defining moment that punched the the trajectory of my life downwards and stole what should have been the sweetest years of my marriage away, and... I can't remember their last name. So it goes.
A year later, another post, another desperate attempt to document the whirlwind, another desperate grasp for the conforting memory of the times that I was so sure of things. And another, another, another.
Each time, I thought I was done. I thought, "surely, the challenges I've faced this time around were the hardest. Hey, Newgrounds, check this shit out! Remember last time? Next time I'll only have good news, promise!"
Today, I'm so sure of who I am. My pages have been filled. If I try to cram anything else onto them, they'll surely rip. What else could possibly happen?
Each time I've done this, it seems to just be a recap of the negative... I've re-read all of these posts, and I relive the dread, the pain, the sorrow and the anger of all of those moments I've shared and even more I haven't, and yet? As I said, I keep coming back looking for a ray of sunshine.. Somewhere in it all, i found a beam of hope to ride to the next checkpoint.
I had a baby in April, by the way. If anything were to ever happen to her, I'd take the world with her.
The rest of the year since then has been up and down. I don't remember, much, besides the huge milestones. Post partem.
This post has no direction, but it's been a year. Something needs to be done about my blank page.
AliceMako 
