Good evening, True Believers,

Six years ago today I ended my second blog post with "something needs to be done about my blank page."

Six years ago, I was freshly 21, deep into my first job, married, fighting for my life through the worst circumstances I never could have imagined. On a whim, probably desperate for a small dose of nostalgia, or some tiny warmth from the comfort of penned memories, I re-read my first post that day and said "wow.. A lot has happened since then- I need to put it down somewhere before it's too late, or before the next milestone happens.."

The post had the first instance of a recurring theme that appeared in all the others that came next: reflections, amazement, wonder, fear and hope for the future and a quiet mourning of the past.

At 21, I would have never called myself a blank page. I was as established as I'd ever been, and I was so sure I had stopped growing. My routine was set, the most important times of my life were happening, my page was full.

I hardly remember a thing. Part of it is repression, but the rest of the memories have just floated down the river. Someone hurt me really bad when I was about 19. It was a defining moment that punched the the trajectory of my life downwards and stole what should have been the sweetest years of my marriage away, and... I can't remember their last name. So it goes.

A year later, another post, another desperate attempt to document the whirlwind, another desperate grasp for the conforting memory of the times that I was so sure of things. And another, another, another.

Each time, I thought I was done. I thought, "surely, the challenges I've faced this time around were the hardest. Hey, Newgrounds, check this shit out! Remember last time? Next time I'll only have good news, promise!"

Today, I'm so sure of who I am. My pages have been filled. If I try to cram anything else onto them, they'll surely rip. What else could possibly happen?

Each time I've done this, it seems to just be a recap of the negative... I've re-read all of these posts, and I relive the dread, the pain, the sorrow and the anger of all of those moments I've shared and even more I haven't, and yet? As I said, I keep coming back looking for a ray of sunshine.. Somewhere in it all, i found a beam of hope to ride to the next checkpoint.

I had a baby in April, by the way. If anything were to ever happen to her, I'd take the world with her.

The rest of the year since then has been up and down. I don't remember, much, besides the huge milestones. Post partem.

This post has no direction, but it's been a year. Something needs to be done about my blank page.

Good morning, true believers!

That's right, it's friggin' Little-Kinky here with a long overdue update. A small one, sure, but an update nonetheless!

Really, though. Looking back at my previous ones is... Surreal to say the least. Like a trip through fucked-up memory lane, huh? Anyway-

There are entirely too many things to cover in a single blog post, so.. The highlights:

1. Left the military (joined the Reserves like an idiot)
2. Bought a house
3. Became a cop
4. Got a third cat. Three. (3). This one's a boy.
5. Got out of the Reserves (thank god)

That's the past two and a half years in a nutshell. Compared to the in-depth breakdowns I've given in the past, I know it leaves out a bit... Like I said, a 33,000~ character limit isn't enough to cover the life I've packed into the past two years. I'll focus on an important slice of it, though:

I left active duty towards the end of 2019. My job hunt was going incredibly well, and I had a plan, a backup plan, and two tertiary plans alllll set for when I got out. I had savings, I had good credit, I was in the best mental health shape of my life. Good to go, right?

Ha.

I planned to take two months off after the military just living for once, and I did! It was nice. At the end of it, I was due to start the new job which would be an awesome pay increase from the Navy. Naturally, I was turned down at the absolute last possible minute with a shrug and a sorry. It...

Destroyed me. All my backups turned me down, too. Over and over, rejection letter after rejection letter. I felt absolutely useless and was spiraling down a bottomless pit of depression as if it were a black hole keeping me just shy of spaghettification. For quite a while, I was another lost veteran who'd lost their purpose and I was walking down a very dark path. I took the first job I could. It was soulless, my coworkers all hated each other, the benefits didn't exist, and it paid nothing.

Oh, and the commute was an hour each way.

Oh, did I forget to mention this was all around April of 2020?

That was a great time.

I almost didn't survive. Neither of us, really. She was still working a dead-end job in hopes of finding her meaning. We were both lost in the chaos of life. The apartment started to become hell- everything was awful. We both found some of our lowest points and repeatedly dragged the other kicking-and-screaming back up from the depths.

And then, towards the second half of 2020, I finally had a break. I found a better job. It was a miracle. Ten minutes away from home, paid two dollars more, actually had benefits I could use- and with zero stress. Every day was a vacation of no responsibility and opportunities to meditate. My coworkers weren't even half bad! I actually formed an incredible (but short) friendship with one of them- a lovely older gentleman with a wonderful personality you just don't find in people anymore. He introduced me to the wonderful world of... Pulp magazines??? That's right, folks- PULPS. From G-8 and his Battle Aces to The Spider- I took a wild ride through history. Not just pulps, though! I got some amazing history lessons. When I say he's a wealth of knowledge, I mean he knew everything about anything war. He taught me an insane amount of backstory to a lot of wars I'd only heard of, but knew nothing about. Which is neat!

To say that job saved my life would be dramatic, but accurate. I healed there. That friend I made left at right around the same time I did. He put it really well: "Kinky, this place is a peaceful limbo for those who are lost. I arrived here in desperate need, and it provided. Now it is time for me to leave. You came here because you needed to as well, and now it's time for you to go..."

...Because my dream job, that rarely hires, is extremely picky in who they accept and that I had absolutely zero chance of being chosen for called me back. I was driving when they did- I had to pull over and cry.

The next nine months were absolute hell in the police academy. Made it, though! Got a house in the process, paid off the credit card debt we racked up during those months we had to scramble.. She got her dream job in the middle of it- and makes more than me, sometimes.

Things are going well, for the most part. We've finally found a good marriage counseling, so that's happening now. Uhh...

Oh! I had my first surgery RIGHT before the academy started. Two months before. It was bad. COVID has already destroyed my fitness- I was just getting back into it when I very, very suddenly had to have something cut out of me. I had the surgery, and then I was essentially useless for a month. At the end of the month I could finally run again (sort of, painfully) and for the following month it was nothing but recovery and light training in an attempt to get me back to where I needed to be.

I didn't get there, but at least I didn't die come the academy start.

Oh! I'm still open for writing commissions. Obviously, with the chaos of the past couple years, my focus spent on writing had to shift to other things... But I've been lurking around in the background. As I'm sure many of you artists know, if you get a few customers who really like your stuff, they'll come back.

If you're interested in having the idea in your head jotted down into words for your eyeballs' viewing pleasure- lemme know!

That's all for now, Newgrounds. @TomFulp

See you next time!

Evenin', True Believers!

Yeesh, where do I start. Looking at my last blog post, it's crazy to see how much can happen in just a few months.. Let's begin with my head!

I'm a mess! The final bandage was ripped off, so to speak, and the floodgates opened. I told my wife e v e r y t h i n g that had happened to me. She's now processing it all. - I've typed and deleted the sentence that would have come after that about 10 times now: I'm still trying to kick the shame and self blame thing. So, I'll leave it at that.

The heated discussions and arguments the past few weeks about what happened in our relationship as a result of my experience have been taxing for the both of us. After each bout, though, we grow stronger. Considering married couples have left each other for much less than what we've got going on, I'd say we're going to make it.

I'm having flashbacks, now! And intrusive thoughts. Lots more anxiety, and the anger spikes are back. One of my therapists theorizes it's because I "picked the scab," and now everything I've repressed and tried to ignore is finally at the forefront of my mind. Luckily, I can recognize what's going on and address it, and with a little luck, it'll be a non-issue in a month or two. Therapy works wonders, huh?

That leads me to this plug: For the love of fuck, get professional help if something is going on. If you've tried and it didn't work out- some doctors are dicks. Try another! No, talking to friends about your issues isn't real therapy. Having that support is great, but isn't a standalone substitute.

Anyway, I leave the military soon! The job hunt is going surprisingly well, and I actually have 6 interviews in August! Gosh, I haven't done any in so long, I just hope I don't gaff. I love public speaking, but these one-on-three types are always nerve-wracking.

Speaking of jobs- I'm still open for commissions here! Short stories, resume editing, cover letter writing, beta reading- whatever you've got, send it my way!

That's all for today, Newgrounds. See ya next time!

Good morning, True Believers!

Despite many setbacks, the year is off to a good start, overall!

Currently, life is really insistent on creating unexpected, large expenses. Luckily, cool under pressure as I am, everything is still in place for us to be in a safe, secure position once I'm between jobs.

Unfortunately, bae's income took a hit of about 200 dollars a month! Not insignificant. However, we're making it work.. I began driving for Uber! It should be miserable, and some riders are pigs, but l u c k i l y I'm a fiery ball of don't fuck with me, right now. So there's that.

Besides that, I think we've finally cut off the mother-in-law completely (her side.) The last connection was, apparently, her cell phone. We have our own plan, but the phone was still being paid by her mother. It's being mailed back, and she'll never get our phone numbers again. Hooray!

Now, many people may be horrified at this. "Family is everything! You're going to regret this later!" If that's you, you're likely one of two people: you have never dealt with a family member that truly had horrible personality disorders or addictions, or you have convinced yourself to allow them to drag you down because they've leeched and corrupted you for your entire life.

Really, if the negatives outweigh the positives at much as they do in my situation, don't be afraid to cut the cord. You're an adult, nobody has any right to control you, or use you to make themselves feel better about their horrible lives.

And with that hopefully behind us, our next topic shall be me! I've started therapy for myself. Long overdue, believe me. Every aspect of my personal life, I now realize, has been affected because of the horrible things I've seen and the sexual trauma I've experienced.

No matter how strong you are, a thousand papercuts could take down Hercules, especially if they're nicking arteries.

So there's that! Even though we've just begun, it feels good to really just lay out everything to someone with no preconceptions.

And then there's you. Why would I tell you all this? It's because it's who I am. The good, the bad, everyone is a melting pot of fuck, and denying any part of you will only lead to pain and misery.

Take it from someone who was too ashamed/scared to to talk to their spouse about their kinks. Yup! That's me. Rope bunny extraordinaire, scared all of their horrible turn-ons and experimentations would scare away their everything.

It sounds silly, but not sharing who you are with those close to you is lying. Lying leads to more lying, and without truth there can be no trust.

Which leads me back to therapy- for the love of fuck, if you have experienced trauma, or people tell you you're acting differently, or you know something is wrong with the way you feel in certain situations... Don't wait. Find a mental health team that'll heal you. If you can't afford it, there are free options to help, you'll just have to look.

But enough about that- here's the positives! We found some really nice furniture for an absolute steal, so our apartment is looking 300% nicer! It's unbelievably reassuring after a bad day to come back to a home that looks like a responsible middle class adult lives there.

The sex is also 100x better, again! Turns out, that sexual trauma I mentioned? Ya, it was crippling our relationship. We've addressed the things I were avoiding/reacting negatively to and focused on them, and holy crap, I don't know how we've survived the passed 3 years.

Speaking of, we're exploring polyamory. Go ahead, bring on the haters- it's lovely.

And of course, my writing is still going well! I've slowed down on projects, a maximum of one at a time, plus the for-fun stuff. Part of it is to keep me off the computer and phone when the two of us actually have time off together, the other part is to keep less on my mind. Burnout is real!

That being said, I'm always available for comissions. Hit me up!

S'all I have for you, Newgrounds. Until next time!

Good evening, true believers!

I'll start with a mini announcement- I'm now taking short story commissions from Newgrounders like you! If there's a plotline for your favorite characters you'd like to see explored, or some sort of niche you need in your life, let's talk it out! I'm also available for editing!

My 2018 recap: 

We've made HUGE strides in mending our relationship. My anger issues have all but dissipated after we nixed one of the causes of the hormone issues! So, that's helped quite a bit. Both of us are getting into the lifestyle around here, too.. Which I never thought would happen. So, winning, here!

I've also had some success ghostwriting~ I never pictured my writing career would ever actually make us money- I always did it for fun- but it's super neat, and enjoyable work. It's mainly a few articles on random websites that apparently get a bunch of traffic and need content stored up. I've also found a niche in writing short stories/custom fanfiction for whomever... That's a bit more challenging- but it's a good way to meet and learn about the different kinds of people in the world.. I've always dreamt of having some sort of artistic career, this is a nice way to keep my writing skills sharp.

^That's also why most of my free writing and fanfiction on the various sites and psuedonyms have all but halted. Between life and paid writing, it's hard to keep inspiration for the fun stuff. However: I do have something I'm cooking up for fun, and will likely be posted on my poor neglected L-K AO3 account within the next week. Stay tuned!

There's also been a lot of different emotional stuggles hitting us, too- but this is my blog, so let's talk about me.

• I had 3 deaths in the family in 2018
• 2 good Navy friends died in horribly tragic ways
• My car-related PTSD has lessened, however, screaming has become a trigger. Woo!
• A few psychs have unofficially recommended books on borderline personality for me, which.. Explains a lot. Working on it!

Alright, alright, enough about all that; talking about about the bad is too depressing. Let's look to the future:

As my ratings go up from the writing, more higher-paying opportunities open! 2019 should be a very nice year. On top of that, we've paid off nearly all of our loans, and are looking at saving and smart purchases between now and the time I get out of the Navy- which, by the way, is this year (barring World War 3!) We're planning on buying a REALLY nice couch. It'll be the most expensive piece of furniture we own, and we're planning on keeping it forever!

I will alsooooo be getting my first tattoo this year, god damn it! We planned on doing it a few months ago, but quite a few things came up that actually put us back over two thousand dollars. Luckily, that's what savings are for, but it was probably the most terrfied I've ever been in terms of financial stuff, because our savings were gone. I haven't lived paycheck to paycheck since before I joined the Navy! It was scary, but we somehow held the line, and were able to make Christmas happen!

I've also been practicing my drawing, a bit! I was never quite good at it, and it's been years since I've even tried. Practice does make perfect, though, and I'll be getting a lot of practice...

So that's my life in a nutshell right about now, Newgrounds. How are you?

I looked at my last news post, and it shocked me how that fire happened almost 2 years ago, now. 

Somehow, it feels like a whole different lifetime, while still being just yesterday. 

On that line of thought, I realize it's been just about 3 and a half years since I joined the Navy. 

The old people of Newgrounds would argue that's not a lot of time at all- and I'd agree! But again, it seems my entire life has been squeezed into these past 3.5 years.

What have I done.. I've seen 7 states that I otherwise would never had gotten to explore- I'm still learning more and more skills that I'll take to the grave, and I learned more about myself than I ever thought was possible.

This post has no direction, but it's been two years. Something needs to be done about my blank page.

So I was in a fire!

Late Friday night/early Saturday morning, the people 2 floors above me and across the hall took a smoke break on their balcony. Finished up, went back inside.... Well, apparently they didn't put their death sticks out, and they lit the balcony on fire. Went up to the roof, travelled into their apartment (quickly burning every inch of it to a crisp), and burned for about 3 hours before being extinguished. The fire alarms didn't go off- I watched trucks go by my window for about 15 minutes before I heard banging and shouts that there was a fire. I woke up the rest of the people I room with, put on clothes, and GTFO'd. 

Welllll, I looked up as I ran past a police officer, and I saw 20 foot flames in the top corner apartment. Scary stuff. I'd post a few pics, but the hotel WiFi's not letting me download attachments. Bummer.

Now, 3 hours of water being tossed onto the top floor of a building is a lot of water, so the rest of it flooded. Including my apartment. When they finally let us in to grab a few valuables, I felt like I was making my way through a sinking ship- flashlights, water pouring from the ceiling, eyes and lungs burning from smoke, trying to save everything from creeping water...

Anyway, that was my ruined weekend so far. Going into work tomorrow's gonna be great.

How was yours?